Should I ditch friends who are a bad influence?

Question: The people I am hanging out with are starting to get into things that I dont necessarily approve of and if I decide to say anything about it they will push me away or ignore me and I dont want to lose them as friends and its really hard for me to just watch them do this. Like I really have been praying
and I still dont know what to do. It's out of my control what they are doing.

The biggest problem is though is that I am the only one who is staying out of the whole mess. Its really difficult because I am the only one who doesn't smoke or get high. And I can say no, I know what to do but I just want someone to say no with me.

I know that i have alot of friends from camp that will be there for me but, I dont have anyone at school to support me. In all honesty I feel so alone. Like I have to do this by mysef and I dont know what to do... so if you could give me some
advice or know someone that goes to my High School that I can hang out with please let me know.

Answer I'll try to think of whether or not there's anyone at your High School that you can hang out with- there must be some other camp people there, I would think! But I do have this suggestion. Why don't you get involved in the youth groups and events happening in Cyour area? That way you will start making more camp like friends that you could hang out with on evenings and weekends- and probably you'll meet some kids from your school that you didn't even know were into their faith!

I know that there are a lot of good people from your church that you may be able to hang out with. Or call the other camp peaople that live in your area- you guys should get together more, form your own group of friends who can support each other.

Are you coming to the Retreats at camp? That's another possibility. We are planning more and more retreats, so that teens don't have to go a whole year between experiencing God, and they can grow more quickly, and develop better friends.

I know you don't want to hear this, but in truth if your friends are dragging you down- then they are not helping you become who you are- you may have to make new friends. Friendship is valuable, of course, but not as much as your faith life! Ask the question, are they helping your grow closer to God, or tearing you away? Do they make you authentically happier, or just sadder? (That goes for boyfriends too, only more so. Is your BF into this stuff?)

I will pray for you lots, and am there for you if you need someone!

Are white lies OK?

Question: If someone asks you how you are and you tell them that nothing is wrong but there is something wrong, is that considered a lie?

Answer I suppose that saying nothing is wrong when something is isn't perfectly honest, but I don't think it is sinful. There are those who value honesty and straightforwardness to the point where they are often causing conflicts, etc. Prudence is the steersmen of all virtues, and sometimes it is simply not prudent to be honest!

That said, I suppose you could just say something like "Oh, I'm just in a bad mood" or "I'm tired" and thus avoid the question without lying!

How far is too Far?

Warning: This post contains explicit language.

Question:

Lately I've been asked several questions by young adults. I'm going to name things by their name since you seem to be okay with that from what I saw in the presentation. Can you help me to define:

When speaking about the 4 bases in physical intimacy (1st-kiss, hug, 2nd touching, 3rd, orgasm stuff, 4th intercourse), 3rd and 4th are definately for marriage and should lead to 4th base. Is 2nd base okay? Girls wonder if it's okay for guys to touch their breasts if their relationship is mature, yet not married yet.

Also, sleeping in the same room together.

The guys say they need some leaway/ range to grow in their intimacy on the physical level in the relationship, they seem to have a plan of steps. Girls are satisfied with step one, unless they have worldly values and want to experiment or jump to 4th base quickly.

Especially the young adults in their 30s, they seem to rationalize that they are mature and can be trusted, so sleeping in the same room, touching/caressing, laying on top of eachother, etc is okay. Any clarification in this matter would help.

Answer

The thing about Chastity is that it is about an attitude or a virtue, not about a legalistic rule. The result of this is that I can't give a hard and fast rule that works for everyone. Chastity is about an expression of love, which cherishes the others sexuality and protects it, both before and within marriage.

The problem with fore play is that it's supposed to come 'before the play.' Kissing and touching obviously cause arousal and lead to heightened desire for sex. It is not really intended with pleasure as an end in itself.

When a couple engages in this kind of behaviour, it automatically triggers the hormonal response in them- oxytosin in the woman and epinephrine in the man. The result of this is an increase in bonds and pleasure, and motivation to go further, and a dimminishment of inhibitions. All of these things are great within a marriage, but are destructive outside of marriage. If a couple is in a casual relationship and they continue to cause oxytosin, for example, to be formed, this relationship will hurt more when broken. It still sends a message to the brain of both parties that this relationship will last forever, because any actions which induce those hormones is intended to be in a relationship that lasts forever.

In short, every couple will have to determine for themselves where the line is that they will not cross, but that line should be based upon their bodies response to an action. As soon as the action is 'turning them on', or sexual in nature, it has crossed the line. I have serious doubts that there are many out there who can french kiss without crossing that line. When I was engaged, that was the boundary I set with my (now) wife. In time, I had to add that we would not even kiss on the lips, since for us that was arousing, and made it more difficult to keep our other resolutions.

Anything you save for marriage will be special between you and your spouse. (My wife never kissed anyone before me.) Anything you make common with other relationships will take away. I suggest that if a couple is in their thirties, and feels that their relationship is at a level that is mature enough that this would be apropriate, they ought to ask themselves why then they have not gotten married. If they are dedicated for life, then they should make it official before God and their families before acting like it is official at home.

I don't think it is wrong for guys and girls to sleep in the same room, but never just one of each. That is too compromising, and tiredness also takes away inhibitions. Chastity is something to be guarded. (I speak from personal experience on this.)

Catholic teaching on this is so profound that no gloss over regulation will be satisfying. I highly recommend "Good News about Sex and Marriage" by Christopher West. In it he summarizes the teaching, and it has a handy glossary for specific questions.

If abortion is made illegal, what then?

I'm curious what your thoughts are about this abortion question. It's just something I came across tonight that I've been playing around with in my head.

So the question I would have for my pro-life friends is about policy. What specific policy recommendations do you call for? If doctors continue to perform abortions once it has been made illegal, what charges do you intend to bring against them? What crime do you think a woman ought to be charged with if she seeks an abortion? If you believe that women are “victims” of abortion, do you see them as emotional children who cannot be held accountable for their actions? Do you think penalties should be enhanced for women who seek more than one abortion over the course of their lifetimes?

(Excerpt from http://danwhitmarsh.blogspot.com/2009/05/getting-political-for-moment.html)


Thanks for the thought provoking question! I may throw that out to my pro life friends as well. Actually, I think that strategically it makes more sense to talk about consequences than about just outlawing it. It shifts the debate to actually assuming that it should be illegal.

I think that what we need is an overall culture shift. In a relativistic culture, it is seen as moral because it is legal. To make abortion illegal would be to make it, to some degree, socially unacceptable, and force people to ask the question as to why it is illegal, and what it is about human life that is so worth protecting. So honestly, I don't think we would go straight to huge consequences- but start small. Here's the road map I would propose;

1. Stop paying for abortions through health care. Force it to be privatized and get it out of our hospitals.

2. Make abortion illegal- in so doing, we would close the abortion clinics. Doctors who continue to perform abortions would lose their licence, and could be charged in all the ways that doctors who practice illegal medicine or practice medicine without a licence, including jail time if necessary. (Restrictions on term length would have to be established by the courts, and we'd allow the courts to decide the particulars in each case.) During this phase, it would still be legal to go to other countries to get abortions, but due to the unavailablity in our own country this would be unlikely. (This is the present situation in Ireland, although the EU will probably force them to change it.)

3. Work to change the culture so that the very concept of abortion is morally repugnant, just as slavery or racism is. In time, people promoting abortion could be viewed with the same disdain as those who promote racially based slavery. Later there could be a discussion about limmiting freedom of speech on this topic, however that's a little totalitarian. The same abuses presently in place wherein you could be charged with promoting hatred for speaking against homosexuality could happen here, and in my opinion we don't want to go there.

This does beg an interesting question. Abortion is murder, by technical definition. In time I suppose the laws could reflect that, and the woman who has committed an abortion could be subject to the same consequences as the woman who murders her born baby. But I think that is so distasteful to our culture that we'd have to start smaller, by just treating it as an illegal medical procedure. Doctor is consequenced, patient is not. That would resolve most of the problems. I think the consequence to the crime has to reflect the culture the woman is in, so we have to change the culture before we can swing the consequence.

It makes me wonder. Is arguing that abortion is 'murder' (or even 'genocide') an effective technique, or is it so extreme as to be easily discredited by our oponents and therefore unlikely to ever effect policy?

Does God reject people if they reject chastity?

Questions; A while ago I had a conversation withfriend of mine from Church and we got to discussing chastity and how we each felt about it. We’ve both been to a few talks about chastity and so we both know the church’s general view of the issue and we were just talking more in depth about it.

I told her about how I have chosen to remain chaste until I’m married and how that is a very important decision to me and she told me her feelings about it. Now she is very religious and proud to call herself Catholic. She loves Jesus and comes to church and Youth Group events and in general loves God. The big thing though that she does not personally agree with is the chastity and contraceptives issue. She understands the Church’s position on it, but she just doesn’t agree with it.

This doesn’t mean she is sleeping around (she is still a virgin) but she has a boyfriend whom she loves very much and wants some day when she feels their relationship has matured more to have sex with him. She explained to me how she looks at it. She said that even now in her relationship with him, she wants to show him how much she loves him and that she wants to share herself with him. Her and her boyfriend have talked about it quite a bit and he is very non-pressuring about it (he is not religious, but he respects her own views on faith). He has told her he is prepared to wait until she feels ready. She told me that if/when they do have sex she is not going to go to confession asking God to forgive her for what she has done because she does not feel that she would have done something wrong.

I was generally left not knowing what to tell her. I don’t think any less of her because of this decision of hers, and I feel that God wouldn’t love her any less, but then how would God feel about it if he wants us to remain chaste until marriage? I know that no one knows how God feels about things, but I was just wondering how the church would view this. Would it reject her because of her decision? I just didn’t know what to tell her.

Answer
Interesting questions!

First off, God never rejects us because of sin, so you're right in saying God does not love her any less. Some people with good intentions talk about how our sins hurt God, but in truth they do not hurt Him dirrectly, it just 'hurts' Him to see us hurting oruselves.

God created sex in such a way that the more you have it, the more in love you will be. In women it causes the formation of a hormone called oxytosin, in men epinephrine. These hormones basically communicate a message to the body saying "we will be together forever, no matter what." If a relationship breaks, it is more devastating because of this. People will try to stay in unhealthy relationships because of the bond that is formed. It can also create a mixed message, because you essentially commit to each other and if you are not actually commited, it creates tension which often leads to the end of a good relationship. So your friend will want to have sex to express love, but in so doing will actually threaten the survival of the actual relationship!

In other words, sex is a physical expression of the marriage commitment. When you have sex you're saying with your body "we're married." But if you're not married, you're lying- and you're turning what should be the most intimate gift of self donation and love into a lie. You're essentially settling for a counterfit- sex in marriage is way better and can be way better than sex outside of marriage!

Sex is actually part of the sacrament- it is that holy. We say that a marriage is not 'consumated' until you have sex. So sex outside of marriage is sacriledge.

The reason God (and as a result, the church) demands that we keep sex for marriage, and that every sexual act be open to life, is becaue God wants every sexual act to have the fullness of meaning and openess and love, and he does not want people settling for a mediocre and superficial sexual experience. God gave us sex as a profound gift, but instead of recieving it as a gift we take it and trample it and cheapen it, in an effort to consume the goodness, either pleasure or love, out of it, instead respecting it and its power.

The difference between premarital sex and the sex God intends is similar to the difference between swimming in a wave pool, and swimming in the actual ocean. One is only a cheap replica, and as a result, the thrills are only cheap replicas. She should expect more!

Here's what I suggest, practically speaking. No matter what, listen to her, respect her, and love her. That consistency will eventually be a witness even if she does not listen to your words. But challenge her to take very seriously the choice she is making, including taking the time to read what the Church teaches and why she teaches it. I suggest she read "Good News about Sex and Marriage", by Christopher West. In fact, since her BF is so respectful, and since the choice essentially indicates a commitment to each other, he should read it with her, and they should discuss it! Heaven forbid they should rush into something based on a sense of 'readiness' and then discover they regret it!

God Bless! Don't forget to pray. As with all things in Christianity, logic only carries you so far, true conversion comes from grace, and grace comes through prayer.

What is the catholic teaching on Divorce?

Question: What does the church say on divorce? I know that a divorced person cannot get remarried in the Catholic church, unless they get an annulment. Is that the only standpoint of the church?

Answer
If you get an anulment, it actually means you were never really married in the firstplace. The marriage is 'anulled'- as in null and void. This happens if you did not enter into the marriage 'fully, freely, faithfully, open to life'. People often lie in their vows- like when they say they will welcome children, but they have no intention of having children, or they say they'll be faithful, while planning to cheat. For a sacrament to be valid, certain conditions apply, so just like if you lie in confession you don't actually get absolved, if you lie in matrimony you don't actually get married. In other words, for Catholics, there is no divorce!

It may be permissible to split up, like say if the situation is abusive, etc. However, you are not divorced. This means, you can't remarry- or even go on dates, etc, which would be unfaithful. If you need a legal divorce, (so that your 'spouse' is not your legal next of kin, has no decision making power in case of an accident, etc.) that can also be done, but you are not divorced by the Churches standards.
(Often abuse can be grounds for an anulment.)

I see why God hates divorce- it destroys a family. The whole reason God made marriage and sex in the first place is so we could have families and learn about self sacrificial love. Divorce is extremely selfish, and most often parents do not realize the long term effects that it has on their children.

St Rita is good to pray to, because she was in an aweful and even somewhat abusive marriage, but she stayed faithful and prayed for her husband and eventually he converted.

What if I marry someone, contrary to Gods will?

Question: I believe that God has a plan for us all that will lead us to be what God made us to be, however we often stray from that plan. I also believe that marriage is meant to be a lifelong bond and unity between a man and a woman. So what happens when a couple gets married and that isn’t in God’s plan for each one? CanGod’s plan can’t change to incorporate the new marriage that happened?

Answer: I believe that God is constantly reworking His plan. Some people have what (I believe) is the mistaken idea that saying God has a plan is like saying we're predestined. I think Gods plan for our lives is not so written in stone- He wants to see us fulfill our potential, but every time we mess up, a new strategy must be laid. It's like a coach having a plan for a team.

The thing is, God wants everyone of us, and deliberately wills each one of us, right?

But some of us were concieved by rape. Frankly, I'm sure all of us have at least one ancestor concieved in sin, which means none of us would even exist if not for sin! Even Jesus had ancestors concieved in sin. Does this mean God wills the sin?

So, Gods will is not so inflexible. I sometimes wonder if maybe I really was called to priesthood. But either way, I've made a vow to my wife- so Gods will for me now is that I be a faithful husband and father.

Question: Would hGod “condone” the married couple divorcing if that puts them back on the path that God had set for them?

Answer: God hates divorce- He would never condone it. In the Bible Jesus made one exception, that divorce was permissible in the case of 'unchastity'. Most people think this means that if one spouse cheats on another, its OK- but scholars say it means that if your marriage is not sacramental, therefore not valid, or common law- basically if you're living in sin, then you can break the 'marriage'.

When you make a vow before God to be faithful to your spouse, there should no longer be any doubt about what Gods will for your life is. His will now is that you are the best spouse possible, and you partner with the other person to gro9w closer to God.